


They Got Me a Long Time Ago

by iamsotired



Category: 1984 - George Orwell
Genre: Angst, Dystopia, Forbidden Love, M/M, Male Slash, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 18:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3860923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsotired/pseuds/iamsotired
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very short piece in which O'Brien is conflicted over his love for the Party and his secret love for Winston Smith. Julia is considered non-existent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Got Me a Long Time Ago

O’Brien stared down at Winston’s face, drenched in sticky, cold sweat and creased in agony. O’Brien looked away. Winston whispered, hardly audibly, ‘I want to believe two plus two equals five. Don’t you see? I want it, so badly, but I cannot.’ A single tear welled up in his eye, as though he didn’t even have the energy to cry.

‘That is exactly why we are curing you. It is for your own sake. Our purpose is not to kill you, but to let you understand why you must be killed, see you truly love Big Brother, and only then will we execute you.’ His voice wavered at ‘execute you’, but he managed to seem completely cold, looking away from Winston. He took a deep breath and held up four fingers. ‘How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?’ 

The tears made Winston’s sight blurry. But still, his conviction remained firm, and he could only see four fingers. He wailed, and croaked, ‘F-four.’ The dial went up. O’Brien watched Winston writhe in pain. There was no sympathy in O’Brien’s eyes, but there was deep, deep sadness and shadows of longing. He could not understand why these feelings were arising, and thought them grossly inappropriate, but he could not control them. For they came from even deeper within the soul than his love for Big Brother. And he knew how dangerous that was. It was a deep, deep longing- a desire to love and be loved.

There was silence as O’Brien watched Winston, and then a large sob like a child’s rang out from Winston’s dry mouth. Winston cried, ‘How can you watch me like this? How can you have betrayed me, and still be s-so cold? I trusted you! I even… cared for you.’

Suddenly, O’Brien leaned in. He could smell the pungent odour of unwashed body and cold sweat, but he did not recoil. Winston swallowed loudly as he felt O’Brien’s breath tickling his chin. He stayed there for a few moments, feeling his pulse rate increase by the second, and he whispered, ‘I am sorry.’ 

Winston blinked, and stared at O’Brien in disbelief. ‘Why are you apologising to me? You just said that this is all for my sake.’ O’Brien closed his eyes. He thought about his whole life, his past, his present, and his future. He thought about truth and lies, about Big Brother and Winston, and about love and hate. Finally, O’Brien breathed, ‘Because this is wrong. Because I can’t love Big Brother anymore since seeing you, but I am still doing this to you. I’m going to be sent to room 101, Winston! This time, I am going to be tortured. But I deserve it. Because I betrayed Big Brother.’ Winston let out a small gasp. O’Brien then cried out, ‘But most importantly, because I betrayed you even though I truly love you.’

From those intelligent, cool eyes of O’Brien came tears, dropping onto Winston’s cheeks as though Winston was the one crying. The older man looked into Winston’s eyes. ‘You are right. Two plus two equals four. Not because the party said so, but because it-it is human nature, it is the truth! The past cannot be altered, whatever the records may say. No matter how much we tamper with memory, it was there- it may not be possible to prove it was there, but it was there nonetheless. But what can we do, Winston, what can we do? I have always known it. Do you remember when I said to you, ‘They got me a long time ago’? It is because the party is unescapable, immortal. Therefore, the only thing we can do is to love, truly love from the bottom of our souls, although it will be taken away from us. Love, despite the knowledge that it will be taken away.’

Winston looked up into the older man’s eyes and slowly, painfully, leaned towards him. He grasped onto O’Brien’s wet cheeks and kissed him gently but deeply. O’Brien returned the kiss and pushed Winston against the wall, tears and sweat mixing in their mouths. 

The door opened.


End file.
